Thursday, August 6, 2009

Rescue Plan for Musicians

What The New Financial Rescue Plan Means To Musicians
Picture a run down apartment building in a run down neighborhood. A beat up van with a beat up trailer is parked out front. A nondescript cop looking sedan cruises slowly down the street and eases into the empty space behind the trailer. Two men in dark suits wearing sunglasses get out of the sedan, walk up and knock on the front door of Apartment #5.

Men in Black: Hello, we're from the U.S. government, and we're here to help. We're going to rob you for your own good.

Grungy Musician/Taxpayer: Holy shit! You're from the government? I thought you were the freaking Blues Brothers. What the hell are you talking about?!! I don't want to be robbed... (sounds of a toilet flushing drift in from the back of the dingy apartment.)

Men in Black: Sir, we understand. But our records indicate that you are a taxpayer. Is that correct?

Grungy Musician/Taxpayer: Well... I'm a musician... so I pay taxes... well... at least I pay some of my taxes... some of the time... so what?

Men in Black: So, we're robbing you. It really is for your own good. In fact, if we don't rob you, the entire planetary financial system will collapse. You've heard the bad news about the big Wall Street banking bailout, haven't you sir?

Grungy Musician/Taxpayer: Look, I don't even have any money in the bank. Lot's of people have a lot more money than I do. Why don't you go rob them?

Men in Black: There's no need to make this about you, sir. You can rest assured that we are going to rob everyone who pays taxes. Trust us.

Grungy Musician/Taxpayer: This ain't right. I've played by the rules for years... well... most of the rules anyway... And besides, this is America.

Men in Black: It is indeed, sir. And we're from the American government. And c'mon, sir, do you really expect us to believe that you never took out a subprime loan, never leveraged your home equity into a second and third mortgage, never maxed out four separate credit cards at once, never tried to buy and flip a couple of houses for a fast buck, or that you never speculated even a little bit in the commodities market with your retirement fund?

Grungy Musician/Taxpayer: Hell no! I never did any of that kind of shit. Me and the rest of the guys in the band are barely making it. We don't have no stinking retirement accounts.

Men in Black: We're not here to congratulate you for being a financial basket case, sir. We've come to rob you for your own good. Resistance is futile. Maybe next time you'll go along and raid the candy store when you get the chance. Lots of people did. That's pretty much why we're here to rob you. For your own good, of course.

Grungy Musician/Taxpayer: This is unfuckingbelievable... but... well... what if I just stop paying taxes completely? Will you please not rob me then?

Men in Black: That's not a good idea, sir. If you stop paying taxes, we'll throw you in jail and rob you anyway.

Grungy Musician/Taxpayer: This sucks. I'm calling a lawyer.

Men in Black: Yes sir, go right ahead and call. We're sure he's a taxpayer too. Let him know that if we haven't been to his house already, we will be soon.

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